jump in, jump out! turn yourself about!!

stepping stones...
How many of these have I started out with, "when I was a stay-at-home mom"? Well, here's just one more.

We lived at my husband's family's place. The "yard" was actually lots of acres, but there was a treeline sort of way back from the house, it created somewhat of a yard. We pretty much stayed in front of the trees. Even my dog Jemma stayed within the boundaries that I showed her. When we first moved there, we looked into getting an electronic fence thing that would shock her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. And nobody wanted to put a real fence up, it would be too much. So I just looked at Jemma one day and told her, Come with me, stay by my side, I'm going to show you where you can go, and where you can't go. I really said that to her. Then I asked God to tell her what I said, in Dog Speak.

So we walked the perimeter of the place, front and back, and she stayed right by my side, occasionally looking up at me with such joy. She loved it there, she could run. As we walked, each time she stepped over the border that I decided in my mind, I said, NO!, and she put her ears back and quickly returned to my side.

Not once did my dog disobey me while we lived there. I could even open the door, front or back, and let her out on her own. I trusted her. She did her thing, snooped around, and came back to me.

But that's not what I got on to talk about. I'm trying to sleep, actually, but I can't. I'm thinking of the stepping stone path I made in that yard one time.

It was the summer of '96. I was frustrated. I remember feeling waves of anxiety come over me for no reason during that time, I was sensing something coming. I had no idea we'd be divorcing soon, but I sensed that time slowing down and coming to an end. I also sensed a storm brewing. I began to feel like a caged lion. Sometimes I would walk outside down by the treeline, just to feel like I went somewhere.

I got an idea. I began to create a walking trail that weaved in and out of the trees, just outside of the view from the patio. One could not be seen on my trail. I planted flowers alongside it here & there, ordering different varieties from mail order places. Then I started buying those round stepping stones, one by one. They were expensive to me, and it's not like I had any money to spare, but I did it anyway. I'd just get one here and one there, with leftover grocery store money each week. Actually there wasn't any leftover grocery store money. I just made sure there was.

By the end of the summer I had a real live walking trail, it started at one end of the yard, weaved its way in and out of the trees, old fruit trees that used to be an orchard at one time. My trail spanned quite some distance, but it never really went anywhere. The trees were in an arch- so my trail slowly led back up to the house.

Even though I felt independent and free and psuedo-adventurous when walking my woodsy trail, I always ended up back home.

Those stones are on my mind tonight. The more I say, the closer I feel to home. My clusters of words are like stepping stones.

I'm still not home, nor do I know where home is. In my real life, I still have no home of my own. Currently I'm sleeping on an air mattress on the floor of the bedroom I'm renting. My clothes sit on a shelving unit that serves as a dresser. I brought nothing with me.

Not even my curio cabinet. But only because it wouldn't fit in my car.